The unoffical Young Ones novelisation
by The Mysterious Traveller
Summary: This is my own novelisation of the Young Ones! Neil is a worrier. After all here he is a hippy in a frightening broken down ugly world full of hate and oppression. But maybe with a little help from a spotty anarchist a head-banging punk and a cool cat he
1. Moving In

First things first. I DO NOT own the young ones!!!! Glad that's over with. I would also like to thank shabbir siddat for retrieving this for me. I thought I'd lost it forever! Now lets begin with chapter one huh?  
  
  
Chapter one - Moving in.   
  
  
The four students surveyed their new house from the street.   
"Bloody heck!" cried Rick. "Is this the new house?"   
"Well I think its beautiful Rick." objected Neil.   
"Well it just makes a change from the last one thats all." remarked Mike.   
"Yeah." agreed Vyvyan. "It hasnt been razed to the ground yet."   
"Well I think that it looks like a gigantic lavatory." grumbled Rick.   
"Oh be fair Rick!" cried Neil running up to the front door. "Look! Its got a letter box! Thats going to be really useful that!"   
"What for?" demanded Rick.   
"Er...for looking out of when people knock!"   
"Look just give me the key please." Rick handed the key to Mike.   
"Now watch this very closely." said Mike. He unlocked the door. "See? I used to be a cat burglar y'know."   
Neil was impressed. "Oh yeah?"   
"Yeah yeah I've got a swiss bank account with two thousand bloody cats in it! C,mon!"   
The four enterd the house. Rick and Vyvyan raced off to find a bed room. Neil stared down at the carpet. "Oh wow! Look at all these letters!" the hippy remonstrated. "I thought mister Biloski said that the last lot moved out only yesterday."   
"Yeah they did." agreed Mike. "They were illiterate."   
"But they were philosophy students!"   
"Yeah."   
"Oh."   
"Anyway." said Mike walking off. "They're probably Bills."   
"Who's Bill?" Neil asked himself.   
Meanwhile Rick was upstairs trying to stop Vyvyan getting into a room.   
"Vyvyan this is my bedroom!"  
"Oh yeah?"   
"Yes! I was here first!"   
Vyvyan forced his way into the room. "Ya got any witnesses?"   
"Look I dont need witnesses just get off my property!" Rick waved a commanding hand towards the door.   
"No!"   
"Get out!" Rick nipped Vyvyan trying to inflict damage. Then there was a gorgeous row. Vyvyan punched Rick who fell to the ground. Whilst there Rick hurled a brick at Vyvyan. It missed and went flying through a window. Rick got to his feet as Vyvyan was emptying his suit case over the floor.   
"Look this must be my bedroom." said Vyvyan triumphantly. "All my clothes are here!"   
Rick snatched up the clothes and threw them from the window. "No they're not Vyvyan." he crowed. Vyvyan took out a match lit it and dumped it onto the bed. The bed burst into an inferno.   
"All right have the bedroom." said Rick.   
"Ah but I dont want it. It's not mine you see."   
"You said it was yours just now!"   
"So did you!"   
"No I didnt!"   
"Did!"   
"Didnt!"   
"Did!"   
"Didnt didnt didnt!!!!!"   
Pause.   
They raced to the landing.   
"Neil!" they cried.   
"Your bedrooms on fire!"   
  
* * *   
  
Meanwhile Neil was in the kitchen. "Lucky the guys told me my bedroom was on fire." he said. "I might have gone to sleep and burnt to death. Not that I sleep a lot because I have to spend most of my time in the kitchen having a really bad time." He walked around the kitchen waving his arms in the air. "Hello kitchen! Hello hello! My Names Neil though dont bother remembering it because I'll probably soon be dead anyway!" He opend the cupboard with the intention of removing some cutlery for use to prepare the the dinner. A thousand plates fell out and shatterd on the floor. "Great." said Neil. He took out a teapot. "The only thing left in the cupboard is this teapot and thats filthy. Thanks a lot Mr Bilosky! Thanks a lot for giving us the oldest dirtiest teapot in the world!" The teapot was rather dirty so he rubbed it with his sleeve. As he did so he said "I wish that once just once that this wouldnt happen to me y'know." Poof! When he looked up he saw that the plates were all in one piece on the counter. "Oh wow." He breathed. Just then Vyvyan appeared in the doorway.   
"Hello Neil." He stared at the plates. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" he demanded. "Why is'nt supper ready? You havent done a Bloody thing have you Neil?"   
Neil was idignant. "Oh well I'm sorry Vyvyan but considering that none of you lot helped me unpack or do anything at all and considering I'm not even feeling very well today actually no its not ready! I dont have twelve pairs of hands y'know! I wish I had but I havent!" Poof! "Oh wow! I have! Yeah! I have twelve pairs of hands Vyvyan!"   
"Wheres that emergency tin of tapioca we had Neil?" asked Vyvyan who was in the act of searching the cupboard. Neil ran up to Ricks room.   
"Rick Rick! Come and look! Your gonna freak man!" Vyvyan located the kettle.   
"Ya havent even made the tea Neil!" He looked up and acknowledged Neil's absence. "Neil? Brilliant!" he said bitterly. "I suppose I'll have to make my own bloody tea!"   
He filled the kettle with hot water. Poof! Upstairs Neils arms vanished. He didnt notice.   
Rick came out of his bedroom. "I've got twelve pairs of hands Rick! Operational!"   
Rick stared at him. "Dear oh dear you'd do anything to try and impress me wouldn't you Neil? Where's Vyvyan?" He went down to the kitchen leaving Neil to work out where his extra hands had gone. Rick found Vyvyan trying to unblock the kettle with a screw driver. "Vyvyan do you think that I could have a word with you?"   
"No."   
"Just a bit of information really... er why did you throw the toilet out of the window?"   
"To lower the rent. You dont have to as much for a house with an outside lavvy." Rick glared at him. "Oh really? Well I dont believe you! I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!"   
Vyvyan gave up and put the kettle down. "Look." he snapped. "Is Neil going to make the supper or not?"   
"Well I think you'd better ask him yourself. I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment."   
Vyvyan went to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil lets not beat about the bush. Are you going to make the supper or am I going to kick your teeth in?"   
Neil followed Mike downstairs. Mike was carrying a large sack which had feet protruding from the top of it. "Where are you going with that sack Mike?"   
"Nowhere."   
"I thought we agreed to take everyones gear when we went to the laundrette. What about the peoples charter we drew up?" They were in the kitchen by now. Neil took out a note pad and flicked through it to the correct page. "Here we are. Clause forty-eight: None of the guys no matter what like not eve if they'v Been eaten by wild dogs..."   
"Hey thats my clause!" grinned Vyvyan.   
"Shall go to the laundret without first picking up the other guys dirty gear." concluded Neil.   
"RE: Clause forty-nine." said Mike. Neil looked at it.   
"Clause forty-nine: Except for Mike. Oh sorry man." Mike carried the sack down to the cellar. The guys watched him go.   
"Well thats fair enough I suppose." said Rick. "It gets worse by the minute!"   
"Well at least he's not doing the washing up." consoled Neil.   
Vyvyan drew himself up. "Ok Neil. You have three seconds to make the supper starting now!" Neil fled to the cooker...   
"ONE!"   
...grabbed a saucepan...   
"TWO!"  
...and turned to them.   
"What d'you fancy Vyvyan?" he asked.   
"THREE!!! WHERES MY SUPPER???!!!!!!"   
"Uh well its not quite finished yet actually man..." Neil got no further. Vyvyan had hit him over the head with a plate. Neil collapsed. Rick looked on in disgust.   
"Oh thats right Neil yeah!" he said bitterly. "Lounge around! Have a good time! While we starve to death! BEATNIK!"   
"And you'v broken my favorite plate!" Vyvyan accused the inept hippy showing him the plate he had broken on his head.   
"Ah well." remonstrated Rick tossing a match in the cooker.   
"I suppose we shall just have to make our own supper." The cooker went up in flames.   



	2. The Black Gold

Chapter two - The black gold  
  
  
  
  
Rick Vyvyan and Neil sat staring at the telly which was playing a never ending note. "This is revolting." grunted Vyvyan.   
"You know." remarked Rick. "It is amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water."   
"Yeah. Glue."   
They went back to gazing at the telly. "What is that little white dot?" asked Rick after a while.   
"Its a little white dot." Neil explained.   
"Oh very clever!"   
"That must be a really old telly." Neil commented after a while.  
Rick stared at him. "What hippy?"   
"Its a sign that little white dot." went on Neil. "It means something really heavy. It means theres no more telly. Its time to go to bed."   
He got up and headed for the stairs. Then he faced them again. "I'm just going upstairs to finish painting my astrological star chart" he explained and then went up stairs.   
Rick stared after him as he went. "Do you really think that anyone is ever in the slightest bit intrested in anything you say or do ever Neil? God the facist." Rick sighed and got up. "You going to bed Vyvyan?"   
"Nah. I'm just going to watch the dot a bit longer."   
"Wish we had a video. Then I could watch it in the morning." he turned away remarking pleasantly as he went " oh well nighty-night then!"  
Vyvyan waved two of his fingers after Rick as he departed up the stairs.  
At that moment the Television finally decided to throw in the towel. "And don't forget you switch off your set!" the monotone voice warned like a gypsies curse.  
"Why?" Vyvyan inquired petulantly.  
"Because if you don't then it'll blow up you silly boy."  
Vyvyan's face lit up in boyish delight. "Great!" he exclaimed as he sat forward and stared intently at the now totally black screen.  
After a while his face returned to his formerly dark and foul expression as the wonderful promised event completely failed to take place.  
"That's never gonna blow up!" he growled as he jumped to his feet and switching off the light reached over and grabbed a double-headed axe from under the sofa. "Think I'll play murder in the dark..."  
  
* * *  
  
Rick headed for his room. He discoverd Mike playing golf on the landing. He scowled suspiciously at him. "What'r you doing standing outside my bedroom then Mike?" he demanded.   
"Well theres only the floor to sit on Rick."   
"Oh ha ha ha. I suppose you think its really clever to laugh with three million people on the dole."   
"Yeah."   
Pause.   
"Look" said Rick. "Could you just get out of my way please? I want to get into my bedroom."   
"Well I wont stand on convention. He never stood on me. That'll be a fiver. For the room not not the game."   
"Five pounds to get into my own bedroom?" laughed Rick. "HA! What'v you done? Turned it into a roller disco?"  
Rick barged into his bedroom only to discover that this was just what Mike had done. "Look would you all mind just going please?" he exclaimed. "I'm sorry to be a party pooper but its just that I'd like to get undressed now."   
Before the tenants could reply Rick was hauled off his feet by a huge bouncer taken from the room and had his pounded on the floor repeatedly.   
"Sorry for the noise guvnor." the bouncer apologised to Mike.   
"Easy going Jeeves. I dont want the punters getting upset."   
"Next time throw the paper out the window as well Vyvyan." grumbled Neil appearing on the landing.   
"Neil help!" cried Rick.   
"Oh I can't Rick because now is the time to finish painting my astrological chart." explained Neil retreating into his bedroom.   
"Mike you bastard!" howled Rick as he was dropped on his head and the bouncer returned to the disco.   
Rick looked up at Mike. "Your always so pleased with yourself arent you Mike?" he said bitterly. "You always think your so bloody clever!"   
"Dont worry Rick." said Mike. "I'v arranged for you to share Neils room."   
"What?" cried Rick leaping to his feet. "I'm not sharing a room with that turd!" He stormed into Neils room knocking over Neil who was halfway up a step ladder painting his star chart.   
"Ok Neil! Shut up! I'v just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost! Its completely fair and if you dont believe me ask Mike so shut up!"   
"Oh ok Rick."   
Rick stared at him. "What?" he demanded.   
"What?"  
"What did you just say? You just called me a bastard didnt you? Well you'd better not Neil! Because let me tell you me and Mike and Vyvyan are getting pretty sick of you! Here...why are your sheets all sticky???" Rick pulled off the bedsheets to reveal...the disembodied head of a moose!   
"ARRRRRGHHH!!!!!"   
Mike enterd the room and looked at Neil. "All right Neil?" he smirked. "Maybe a bit heavy handed for one pound fifty but when I lend someone money I expect to get it back. Know what I mean?"   
Vyvyan rushed in in a state of breathless excitement. "I'm RICH!" he cried. "I'v struck oil in the cellar! We'r gonna be RICH!"   
"Vyvyan for heavens sake..."   
"Easy." said Mike and turned to Vyvyan. "Ok spill the beans Vyvyan and I dont mean on the carpet."   
"Its really simple." explained Vyvyan. "Y'see I was playing murder in the dark in the cellar. And I was getting really bored when I said "I know! I'll crack the floor with my head!". And When I did this huge spurt of oil came out!"  
"Ok this is big." said Mike. "Really big. I mean family sized. Tonight we sleep on it."  
"What? All four on one spurt?"   
"House meeting in the broom closet tomorrow morning. Oh and Neil? I want my one pound fifty by friday or another moose dies."   
  
* * *  
  
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the ringing phone from the receiver. "Hello chief?" he barked into the mouthpiece. "How many minutes?! DAMN!! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another week!"   
Rosco slammed the reciever down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant..."   
  
* * *   
  
So it was that Rick and Neil squeezed into the broom closet at six o clock the next morning. "Seems strange that Mike should call a meeting here." sniffed Rick. "I mean I'v never been in here before."   
"Thats because this is where all the cleaning stuff is kept Rick."   
"No its not. Its because we only moved in here yesterday."   
"Actually." grumbled Neil. "I'm suprised that anyone except me even knows this place exists. Because although to you lot I seem to have about as much importance as...as..."   
"A hippy?"   
"...as a hippy it does happen to be me who does most of the cleaning around here."   
"Moan moan BOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGG just because ya do a little bit of house work!" sighed Rick.   
"A little bit? Right house meeting!" Neil exclaimed as he rapped on the cupboard door feeling justly indignant.  
"This IS a house meeting!"   
"Is it? Well where are Vyvyan and Mike?"   
"They're late!" snapped Rick crabbily. "We'r only here early because you kept me awake all night pacing up and down and ringing bells!"   
"Listen man sleep gives you cancer. Everyone knows that."   
"Listen Neil." said Rick nastily. "Do you know the difference between you and a bag man? NOTHING!"   
Neil sniffed and began to dab at his now moistening eyes.   
"Oh stop crying Neil."   
"I'm not crying Rick. I'm going to sneeze."   
"Neil." said Rick pointing at several layers of dust that coated every discernable surface in the cupboard. "No."   
"I am. I'm going to sneeze."   
"NO!"   
"ATCHOO!"   
KAAAAABOOOOM!!!!   
Rick and Neil were forced to evacuate the broom closet. As they stood coughing and spluttering Vyvyan appeared at the top of the stairs. He was now wearing a riot helmet and carrying a cricket bat.   
"Here they are El persidenta!" Vyvyan cried. He ran down and seized them by the scruffs of their necks. "Southern conspiring traitors!" Vyvyan snarled rushing them into the living room and hurling them to the floor. "I'll teach ya to try and asassainate the president!"   
Vyvyan saluted as Mike appeared wearing a sleek black coat dark glasses and a gangsters hat.   
"Here he is! El preidenta!"   
"What the bloody heck is going on?" cried Rick from his place on the ground.   
"Shut your face traitor!" Vyvyan struck him on the bottom with the cricket bat.   
"Ha ha missed both my legs!" laughed Rick.   
He stopped when Vyvyan smacked him on the head.   
"Who's been sticking chewing gum on the floor?" demanded Neil. When he received no reply he stuck it in his mouth.   
El presidenta Mike flashed his captives a sinister smile. "Good morning gentlemen." he said.   
"Good morning." echoed Vyvyan.   
"I'm glad you could both make it because if you hadn't you wouldn't be here."   
"Wouldn't be here." echoed Vyvyan.   
"Now what were you doing in the broom closet?"   
"Good question." said Vyvyan.   
"Oh well we were having a house meeting actually." explained Neil.   
"Impossible." said Mike crushingly.   
"Impossible!" cried Vyvyan giving Neil smack on the head which renderd him unconciouse.   
"Because Colonel Vyvyan and myself had a meeting upstairs." said Mike. "And I'm afraid that under the new regulations non-attendace at house meetings is punishable by death."   
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan. "DEATH!"   
"I would like to over-look this but you seem to be responsible for other criminal activities." went on Mike. "Namely loitering with intent..."   
"Good one." said Vyvyan.   
"...conspiring in the broom closet... "  
"Brilliant!" said Vyvyan.   
"...and damaging police equipment."   
Vyvyan showed Rick the missing corner in the bat which had resulted in its earlier confrontation with Rick.   
"However I the president..."   
"VIVA EL PRESIDENTA!" Vyvyan saluted.   
"...am prepared to offer you a free amnesty if you both behave like good citizens and go down to the cellar and dig up all the oil."   
Mike waited for Rick and Neils delighted reponse.   
It didnt come.   
"You fascist honta!" cried Rick.   
CRACK!   
Rick went down a third time.   
"Look you do want to be incredibly rich dont you?" asked Mike.   
"Yes." said Rick.   
"But why cant you both come to the cellars and dig as well?"   
"Oh that is fab Rick that is fab! So when I pop round Sadam Huessains office what do I say eh? 'Hello you highness I have some oil for you. In fact I have a sample of it all over my shirt. You wouldnt happen to have a tin of soft suds around the palace would you?'. Wise up Rick He'd chop my hands off!"  
  
* * *   
  
Later Neil and Rick were hacking away at the ground with-pick axes.   
There was no sign of the oil yet.   
Disaster struck as Neil brought down his pick at the same time as Vyvyan looked into the hole to check for oil. "Oh sorry man." Neil apologised sheepishly.   
Vyvyan felt the pick embedded in his head. He grinned serenely at Neil. "Its ok Neil. That was bound to happen sooner or later." he said and then allowed himself the luxury of collapsing.   
Rick turned to Neil in excitement. "This is it!" he cried. "I'v been waiting two hours for this! Its a REVOLOUTION!"   
"Revoloution?" "REVOLOUTION! Blood runs! Flags wave! Come on everybody throw down your tools and flood out the barricades!"   
Neil picked his axe up and then threw it down again in defiance of tyrrany.   
"Come on everybody into the palace and stand on the tables waving bits of paper at each other! Hello are you the Tsar? "Yes I am actually." BLAM BLAM! Ha ha tough luck fascist! Neil I'v got everything ready! In ten minutes theres gonna be a huge rock and roll benefit gig in the living room and at the climax the workers of the house-thats you and me-will rise and seize control of the states. Watch out Norman Tebbit!"   
  
* * *   
  
Mike stared at the band standing in the living room. "Who are you? I came in here to watch Postman Pat." "  
Well I'm Ringo Star and these are my followers."   
Mike beat a hasty retreat.   
Rick wanderd into the room and grinned at the band. "Hi Ringo. Or can I call you comrade?" He winked at the leader of the band. "You know what you've got to do? You play a huge concert and then right at the peak of the gig you incite the masses to rise and then we burn the palace. Well we burn Mikes room anyway. And then hey presto REVOLOUTION!"   
The band leader scowled in annoyance. "Stuff the revoloution, wheres my two-hundred quid?"   
"Oh...blimey I'd better go and sell some tickets hadnt I?" Rick fished a book of cloak room tickets out of his pocket stood by the door and shouted "Tickets!...Anybody?"   
He noticed Neil sitting in the middle of the room. "Er Neil." he said. "Did you actually pay to get in?"   
"I'm the opressed workers of the house Rick." explained Neil.   
"Yes but it is a benefit gig and the tickets are twenty five hundred pounds each."   
"Twenty five hundred pounds? Thats extortion!"   
Rick glared at the hippy in righteous disgust. "Look this benefit is for you! Its in aid of you! To help you! And you wont even pay for it? God how self centred can you get? C'mon cough up!"   
"I've only got twenty pee Rick."   
"Well that'll have to do."   
The gig began.   
Rick watched in disgust. "BORING!" he cried. "What happend to the revoloution? God you'd think that Devil Woman had never been written."   
Mike walken in and stared at Rick and Neil. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "Why arent you digging for oil? I do hope that you both realise that all this loitering around has cost us all one day of being incredibly rich!"   
"Goodness is that the time?" sneered Rick.   
Just then Vyvyan enterd the room. "By the way" he said. "that was a complete lie about the oil." 


	3. On sunday no-one can hear you scream. Th...

Chapter three - Boring.  
  
The next day they were all assembled around the breakfast table. Vyvyan was scrawling over the back of a cornflakes box.   
"I'm going to win a Ford Prefect any minute now." he said. "Its really simple actually. All you have to do is write down in ten or less words what cornflakes mean to you." He read out what he had written. "Cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes." "Pathetic!" snapped Rick. "You'll never win Vyvyan." "Why not?" "Theres only nine words." "Oh yeah." Vyvyan added another cornflakes.   
"Anyway you'll still never win because nothing intresting ever happens to us." sighed Rick. "Stop being so boring Rick." Rick looked up at Vyvyan. "Oh well thats nice isnt it?" he exclaimed. "Thats very NICE! Coming from someone as boring as you!" "Look could you like stop hustling each other I'm getting really bored with it alright." said Neil. "Oh dear me! Poor old Neils getting BORED! The most BORING person in the whole wide world is finally getting a taste of his own medicine!" "I think we'r overdoing the boredom motive in this conversation." said Mike. "I think its time to extend our vocabulary. Look I thought we'd decided..." "YES! You decided Michael!" yelled Vyvyan. "Guys!" cried Rick. "Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! Whats happening to us? We never used to be like this!" "Yes we did." said Vyvyan. "Yeah he's right Rick we'v always been like this." "But thats just exactly my point. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens to us." Pause. "Monopoly?" Rick sighed. "Yes."   
  
* * *  
  
Later Mike Vyvyan and Rick were stuck into monopoly. "Hey." said Rick. "Wouldnt it be AMAZING if all this money was real?" "That is the most predictable and boring thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing monopoly." "Well what about Vyvyan then? I could say Vyvyan couldnt I because its so boring." Vyvyan picked up a chance card. "You have just won first place in a beauty contest..." he read. "Ha ha ha!" crowed Rick. "...smash Rick over the head with the box." concluded Vyvyan. He proceeded to follow the instructions on the card. Literally. "It did not say that!" roared Rick. "Mike! Vyvyan is cheating!" Vyvyan handed Mike the card for him to peruse. "No he's right Rick thats exactly what it says." "In biro Mike! In biro over the top of the print!" "But we have to change the rules because monopoly's so BORING!" explained Vyvyan. Rick looked at another chance card... "Congratulations it is your birthday. You may set fire to Ricks bed." "Good one!" chuckled Vyvyan. ...and another one... "Get out of jail free. You may keep this card sell it or stick it up Ricks bottom." Rick threw the card on the floor. "Vyvyan you'v ruined the game!" he roared. "I was BORED!" "Well thats nothing." remarked Mike. "Neils so bored he's gone down to the bottom of the garden to kill himself. And its his go." Just then Neil wanderd in. "Oh so you'v decided to come in have you Neil?" asked Rick. "Well we'v finished playing monopoly now and you lost!"   
"Oh." said Neil. "I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did." There was the sound of somebody knocking at the door. "Theres someone at the door Rick." said Mike. "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan." "Theres someone at the door Neil." "Theres someone at the door Mike." "I know." KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Theres someone at the door RICK!" "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan!" "Theres someone at the door Mike!" "Hey guys!" cried Neil. "I'v just had an incredible idea. Why dont we like decide which one of us is going to answer the door and then like send them to answer the door and then come back and tell whoever it is who wants to see them yeah?"   
"Neil do us a favor. Die."   
"So I suppose I shall just go and answer the door myself as usual." grumbled Neil.   
He did.   
A moment later he returned.  
"I went to answer the door but there was no one there!"   
"God how BORING!" sighed Rick.   
  
* * *  
  
Later Neil Mike and Vyvyan sat on the sofa watching the telly.  
Rick looked on and grunted.   
"Bloody hell." he said bittery. "Theres no room for me on the sofa as usual. I suppose I'll just have to sit on the rickety chair. Well not this time."  
Rick lunged at the telly.  
"Oh goody goody gum drops!" he exclaimed. "Just in time to watch Crikey Oh Blimey!"  
He switched the channel over.  
"Oh Rick!" cried Neil. "We were watching Bastard Squad!"  
"Oh were you?" said Rick innocently. "Oh well get off the sofa and change it over if you like. I dont mind."  
Neil began to follow Ricks advice and then thought. "Er no I'v hurt my back."  
"Oh...Shame."  
Vyvyan got off the sofa and went over to the telly.  
In one fluid motion Rick captured his place on the sofa.  
"Ha ha!" laughed Rick. "Fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever did'nt you but you fell right into my trap! Now you can sit in the rickety chair!"  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Oh yeah!"  
Vyvyan pushed Rick of the sofa and onto the ground.   
While he sat down again Rick picked himself up.  
"I'll just sit here on the floor then." he said. "Not in your way or anything am I?"  
"This is my favorite show." remarked Vyvyan. "It would be absoloutly typical if it was interrupted by news of a siege or something like that."  
Just then the show was interrupted news of a nuclear siege.   
"We interrupt this weeks episode of Bastard Squad to bring you live and up to date coverage of a siege going on in an unsanitory slum." said the reporter who's glasses looked like they fitted under his skin rather than over it.  
"Oh great." grumbled Rick. "So now we get a shot of a street for the next half hour. Nothing ever happens in these things. Well if it does we dont get to see it." Unnoticed by the lads an Arab wearing a head dress and carrying a machine gun ran into the living room. He fired off a few rounds. "They'r dumping that sound on. Thats never real." sneered Rick. "Rule Brittania!"   
"The police are moving in!" said the reporter. "Brilliant. A tiny figure jumps over a gate in the distance. Rule Brittania!" Three members of the SAS burst into the room thunderously...and also went unnoticed. They surrounded the terrorist who threw a grenade at them. It missed and flew into a pan of lentils Neil had prepared earlier. The SAS grabbed him and held him up before a huge death ray...  
"Isint that your car Vyvyan?" asked Neil gazing at the picture of the house on the screen.   
"Nah. Mines a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."  
"But THATS a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."  
"Yeah but its not mine is it?"  
FFFFAAAZZZZ!!!!!!!! Having done what they had come to do the SAS moved out. "We'r sorry not to bring the latest episode of Bastard Squad." said the reporter. "But at least they got the mad un with gun eh?" "Look." sighed Rick. "Is anybody WATCHING this???" He switched off the telly. Neil jumped to his feet. "Hey guys!" he cried. "Why dont we eat? That'd be intresting wouldnt it?" He ran over to the counter and grabbed the pan of lentils. "I wonder how many lentils I'v ever eaten in my life?" "Four!" "No it must be more than that Vyvyan! Lentils are really good y'know. No matter how many time you eat them they never get boring." BANG! The pan exploded disgorging lentils all over the wall. Mike Rick and Vyvyan stared at Neil in amazement. "Neil thats our tea!" cried Rick. "You' just blown up our tea!" "Well er I did'nt do it on purpose Rick." "And we payed for it! Fifteen pence! come on pay up! Fifteen pence!" "But I havent collected this weeks money yet." "Well thats hardly the point is it?" "But it was an accident Rick! I just looked at it and it blew up! But theres still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some..." He started to scrape gunk off the wall and into the pan. "We'r bored stupid and now we havent anything to eat." grunted Mike. "Ha ha." laughed Vyvyan. "Rick didnt have far to go did he?" "I just knew you were gonna say that!" snapped Rick. "Thats a complete lie you poof!" "I knew you were gonna say that too!" CRACK! Vyvyan broke a plate over Ricks head causing the latter to collapse. "Ya didnt know I was gonna do that though did'ja?????!!!!!!!!!!!" "It is time." announced Mike. "To go to the dicoteque."   
  
* * *  
  
It didnt take them long to get there. They just went down the street past the house that was being burgaled left past the old woman being kidnapped and walked into The Kebab and Calculator pub "Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richards?" Rick asked the leader of the band as they walked in. "You want it" the man glared at Rick. "and I'll smash your face in." The four sat at a secluded table by the bar and waited for developements. "Well just as I expected." said Neil after a few seconds. "Totally boring." "Yes and the services terrible too." sniffed Rick. Looking over his shoulder Rick cried out "WAITER! WAITER!! You woman!" The woman at the bar flipped him a salute. "its ok guys." said Vyvyan getting up. "I stole some money from Ricks bedroom this morning. What d'you fancy Rick?" "Coffe please Vyvyan." "This is a pub. They dont do coffe." "Well in that case I dont particularly want anything. I dont think its particularly clever to drink. I want to stay in control." "Neil?" "Oh a packet of crisps Vyvyan but not meat flavor because I dont abuse my body and the world I live in." "Mike?" "I'll have a glass of water in a straight glass." Vyvyan went up to the woman at the bar. "Right." he told her. "I'll have a bag of roast ox crisps and a glass of urine." "Hello Vyvyan." said the woman. "Oh hello mum." "Didnt know you lived in London." "Yeah yeah...Hows Dad?" "Oh honestly Vyvyan I do wish you wouldnt ask me that! You know I have absolutely no idea who he was." "Well Vyvyan." smirked Rick. "Y'never told us your mother was a bar tender." "Well she was a shop lifter when I knew her." "She dosent look strong enough." observed Neil. The gang stared at the hippy. "To lift shops." Neil explained. Vyvyans mum brought all the stuff over and handed them over. "Well arent you going to introduce me to all your friends?" "Oh yeah. Thats a friend of mine called Mike..." he pointed to Mike. "...thats a friend of mine called Neil..." he indicated Neil. "...and thats a complete bastard I know called Rick." he concluded. Rick laughed pleasantly. "He's just joking Mrs Vyvyan. We'r actually terrific friends." he chuckled. Vyvyans mum shudderd. "Ooer. He IS a bastard is'nt he?" Neil opened his crisps. The bag burst open spraying its contents across the pub. Neil made no friends in the pub that day.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey would you believe it." grunted Rick from behind the newspaper. "There are now more tin cans than there are people." "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Neil meditated. Vyvyan looked at them from his place in the living room. "Hey Rick." he said. "Do you want to see my new trick." "No I dont Vyvyan I have more important things to think about ACTUALLY." "Mike?" But Mike was too busy cutting bits out of the Sunday Sport. "Neil?" "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Vyvyan exploded. "Look watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you!!" He cut off his finger... "Brilliant eh?!!" ...and then realized that... "Oh dear. Wrong finger." ...and left the room whimpering and clutching his empty finger socket. Neil found something on the floor. "Vyvyan! I think you'v cut off one of your fingers!" he called to no great reply.   
  
* * *  
  
"God." said Vyvyan when he returned with his finger sellotaped back on. "What a boring day." Neil walked in. "I went to the local paper shop but they didnt have a local paper!" "Well they obviously dont come from this area Neil!" Mike got up. "I'm going to treat this problem like my matress." he said. "And sleep on it." So the four went up to bed...not noticing the strange lights in the sky flying about in a saucer shape. 


	4. Save a little meaningless violence for a...

The next day it was pouring with rain.  
Rick had his face pressed up against the window.  
"I'v just seen the most amazing thing in the garden!" he reported to Mike and Vyvyan.   
"Neil hit himself in the face with a frying pan!"   
"Rick you'v been staring out of the window all morning." said Mike.   
"Well not suprising really. Vyvyan put super glue all over the pane."   
Vyvyan looked up from his comic.   
"Did I? That was a good joke!"   
"Just dont break the window when you tear your face away from the window Rick."   
"I wont because..." Rick looked around at them and grinned. "...its not true!! I was playing a joke on you and you fell for it like the fascists you are!" Then he sighed. "Oh god I'm bored!" Rick walked around looking desperately for something to do. "Mallow! Meringue! Boomerang! Long blue spotted and..." "Will you SHUT UP!" roared Vyvyan. "I'm trying to free the state." "I'm trying to read!" "Oh really? I learnt how to do that years ago!" sniggered Rick. "So what'r you reading Vyvyan? A bit Patakian verse? Little bit of French drama?" "Its called S.A.S batallion versus the Nazis." "Thats my bloody comic!" cried Rick snatching it. "Give it back." growled Vyvyan. "No Vyvyan its mine! I payed for it and I intend to read it!" snapped Rick. "Anyway theres no point in reading comics. They'r stupid. They treat the kids like...well you know like they'r kids. All they ever do is fight all the time. Why cant they ever show us stories about love and peace?" "Because its sissy you girly!" retorted Vyvyan. Rick chuckled wryly. "I'm not being girly Vyvyan. Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly." "It is! Its being soppy and very girly!" "I am not being very very...Look this entire conversation is completely sexist and I dont to continue it." Pause. "But Vyvyan for your information it is not girly for one man to love another. Its actually very beatiful." Vyvyan looked at him disdainfully. "Poof!" Rick gave him a look which spoke volumes. "You'r deliberatly trying to provoke me arent you?" "Yeah. I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men. Hey Mike..." "I did NOT!! All I'm saying is that this comic is a reactionist military pamphlet. All they ever do is fight all the time!" "And whats so wrong about that?!! I suppose you think we should go around touching each others bottoms! Exciting new story! Bat-Man gooses the Jokers..." Neil enterd the room. He emptied a pan of water onto Mikes knee. Then he hit himself on the head with the pan. "Neil..." "You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the face with this frying pan dont you Mike?" "No. Neil wheres the shopping?" "Yeah! Wheres the vindaloo hippy?" Vyvyan demanded. "Oh come you guys its always my turn to go the shops." protested Neil. "Then why havent you gone?" Mike pointed out. "For the purpose I serve in this house I might as well be your mothers!" "Neil we dont hate our mothers." "Ok." said Mike. "We want yogurt more of that urin sample..." "You know what I want because it has a label with my name on it." said Rick. Vyvyan looked at him. "Is that all the stuff with 'Rick' written on it? "Yes it is." "Oh sod it Rick I thought it was mine and I'v eaten it! Every last drop!" Rick gritted his teeth and seethed. "We also want more green glob stuff..." "Yes and I'v spat on that Vyvyan so I wouldnt advise you eat it." sneered Rick. "Whats this stuff in a coke can?" "Oh thats my potion." said Vyvyan. "Thats my potion y'see where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" There was a pause as everyone tried to work this out. "The potential market is enormous!" "So why's it in a coke can?" inquired Neil. "Thats so that no one will accidently drink it." Vyvyan explained. "Y'know." chortled Neil. "I bet that at one point someone DOES drink that potion and turns into a homicidal maniac!" Rick laughed merrily. "Yes I bet that as well. Thats just the sorta crazy inmaginative thing that happens around here isint it?" So it was that Neil went out into the pouring rain for the shopping. "I wonder how hard it is." remarked Vyvyan. "I think its probably not so hard considering its only made out of water." snickerd Rick. Vyvyan snatched the comic ripped it in half and then handed it back to Rick. Neil returned. He opend his coat and put down several cats and dogs. "I'v never seen rain like this before." he remarked. "Neil wheres the shopping?" "Awwww no I knew I went out for SOMETHING!" "I'm starving you bastards." grumbled Vyvyan. "Yes so you keep saying HITLER!" exploded Rick. "I dont see whats stopping you from going to the shops yourself anyway." "Cos my studs'll rust! Thats why." "A little rain never hurt anyone!" snapped Rick. "Anyway you could take your stupid car!" Vyvyan glanced through the window. "I could if it was nailed down properly." he remarked. The boys looked through the window to see Vyvyans car being carried away by the currents. Rick was horrified. "Bloody hell!" he cried. "Look at the water out there! Now we'll never get to the shops!" Then he decided that it was in the best intrest of the commune that he took charge of the situation. "Look." he said rationally. "I suggest that we all just find some nice quiet adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain lets up."   
  
* * *  
  
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Chief!" he barked into the phone. "How many hours? DAMN! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another 200 hours!" He slammed the phone back down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant!"   
  
* * *  
  
Rick cackled triumphantly as he found Mike in the cupboard. "Ha ha. Found ya Mike. Now you have help me find the others." "No I dont Rick." "Sorry?" "Well." Mike explained. "I'm the best person at playing games in the house so I get three chances." "Er I'm sorry Mike." said Rick sheepishly. "Thats ok man." Rick closed the cupboard and made for the hallway. Then he turned back and opend the door again. There was something he needed to say. "Great hiding place by the way Mike." "Thanks!"   
  
* * *   
  
Rick gave a ferocious glare to Vyvyan who was sitting at the foot of the stairs smoking. "Look I'v found you Vyvyan! Why wont ANYBODY play this game properly?" "Because you havent started counting yet." "Well I'm going to count to ten and then you'd better be hidden." Rick turned around... "One two three...eight nine ten. Coming ready or not!" Rick whirled around again. He looked around wildly for Vyvyan who was nowhere to be seen. "BASTARD!!!" * * * Meanwhile Vyvyan had hidden in the cupboard and was feeling his way to the back. He passed all the fur coats and touched something that felt like a tree. Vyvyan walked forward and discoverd a fir-tree coverd in snow. He was now in a snowbound wood and just ahead of him he saw an old-fashioned lamp-post. There was the sound of tinkling bells and a sleigh appeared ahead of him. The sleigh was driven by reindeers and ridden by a short man and a woman in white. The man noticed Vyvyan. "Look your majesty." he said pointing at him. "A young fawn." "Thats no fawn. Thats a man child. A son of Adam. His presence heralds danger." "Your majesty its the prophecy..." "Shh!" the woman turned to Vyvyan and hailed him. "Hello little boy! Come up onto the sleigh with me." Vyvyan obliged and clamberd up and perched next to her. "Have some Turkish Delight." the woman offerd Vyvyan a box. Suddenly she recoiled with a look of disgust on her face. "Ugh!" she sniffed. "Who's farted???" "Not me!" Vyvyan lied defending his honour such as it was. The man moved his face very close to Vyvyan's. "Thats revolting." he said unpleasantly. "Y'know people like you ought to be put in little boxes tied up with string and locked away in a dark room with no electricity." "Who sez?!!" snarled Vyvyan shoving his face into the mans. "For a month." the man ammended. Vyvyan was not pacified. "WHO SEZ?????!!!!!!!" "She did." "I did not! Thats a lie Shirley!" "Shirley? Thats your name is it? Shirley?" "Look would you like some Turkish Delight or not?" the woman snapped. "Not particularly." said Vyvyan. "Ya got any kebabs?" The woman replied in negative. Vyvyan jumped off the back of the sleigh anxiouse to be out of the company of people who behaved so strangely. "look." he said over his shoulder. "If you see a sociology student being chased by a lion dont tell him I'm hiding behind this tree ok?" "A lion?" the woman seemed alarmed. But Vyvyan was already heading towards a tree in the distance. "Stop son of Adam! I command you to wait! Stop him Shirley!" "But your majesty its the prophecy..." Leaving the strange denizens to bicker Vyvyan stepped behind the tree. As he did so however he felt the ground give way beneath and he felt himself falling down down down god knows where to. Then he landed on a slide. Vyvyan began to slide downwards into the darkness...  
  
* * *  
  
Rick was searching the cellar. "Oh what is the bloody point?" he mutterd as he turned to leave. He heard a soft thud behind him and then a familiar voice. "Behind you!" Rick whirled around to see Vyvyan sitting on the floor looking up at him and waving with a cheery grin on his face. Rick gave a roar of rage. "Vyvyan you bloody CHEAT!! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!" "Then why were you looking in the cellar?" "Umm...I just thought I'd pop down to tell you that I'm not playing your childish game any more." "What d'you mean? It was your idea to play hide and seek!" "It was a joke! I was playing another joke on you! And ha ha ha because you fell for it!" Vyvyan smirked. "Jokes on you Rick. Cos while you were counting I snuck up to your room and set fire to your Sociology files." There was a slight pause while this sunk into Ricks head. Then a look of cold white-hot murder came into his eyes. Rick grabbed his biro from his pocket and embedded it into Vyvyans head. Rick crowed while Vyvyan was blinking dizzily. "Ha ha ha! Theres a joke for ya Vyvyan!" His humor subsided at once however as Vyvyan grabbed up...a large double-headed axe! "AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Rick only made it to the door before Vyvyan caught up with him and swung the axe through the air. It missed Rick by a millimeter and impaled his coat to the door leaving him hanging in mid-air trapped against the door. Just before the final blow of fate the door swung open and Neil rushed in breathlessly. "Hey guys come quick! Ricks bedroom is on fire!" The hippy ran out followed by the punk. As they went the door swung shut and Ricks coat tore and he fell heavily to the stone floor. Hide and seek was a good game Rick figured but it certainly did nothing for your back.  
  
* * *  
  
Neil and Vyvyan arrived in Ricks room to find the bed had became a raging inferno. "I just got here" panted Neil. "and I thought "Oh no I'v just remembered I forgot to put out that fire I saw in here earlier"." "Dont worry." laughed Vyvyan as he surveyd his handiwork with pride. "I did it." "WHAT??? Why?" "To make it look like I was hiding here." Neil was indignant. "Well I think that was a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan! I was hiding there! You might have given me away!" Rick arrived on the scene and stared in dismay at the state of affairs. "BLOODY HELL!!! Do something!" Vyvyan ripped the window open. A mysterious flood of water burst in and coverd Rick and his bed effectively nullifying the problem. Vyvyan closed the window against the water outside the house. Rick sat on the charred corpse of his bed. There was a mackrel flapping about in his shirt. "Terrific Vyvyan." He sneered. "Just terrific. Just think! I wont have to put my bed in the toaster now!" Mike strolled in cheerily with a fag in his mouth. "Anyone got a light?" he inquired. Rick laughed bitterly. "Oh I'm sorry but I havent Mike. I mean I HAD one but I'v gone and put it out! Stupid old Rick! Slap slap slap!" "Why's there a fish in your shirt Rick?" "I hate sharks." remarked Neil. "Dont be stupid Neil. Thats not a shark." "No but that is." said Neil pointing out the window at something previously unnoticed. Everyone turned to see a shark swimming around outside the window. "That is without a doubt the most completely brilliant thing I'v ever seen!" said Vyvyan in wonder. "A flying shark!" "I dont think so." said Mike slowly and carefully. "Either those guys at the genetic engineering depot have been at it again or..." He paused for effect. As far as the others were concerned there was than enough of that. "...London has flooded." Mike concluded. Neil sighed morbidly. "Oh well we'r all going to be drowned or eaten by octopusses then." "WHAT?????!!!!!!" cried Rick. "Phone the police!" "But they'r facists." Neil pointed out. "Yes well never mind that now!"  
  
* * *  
  
"That is absolutely typical of you Vyvyan!" snarled Rick at Vyvyan who was nailing several cardboard boxes together in the living room. "The whole town has flooded and what do you do? Build a submarine!" Rick gave a snort of contempt. There was a few moments silence. Then Rick added nervously. "Er...Theres no room for me in there is there Vyvyan?" Vyvyan looked up at him. "Of course there isint any room for you Rick! I want to see you drown! Why should there be any room for you? STUPID!" "Wouldnt it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other?" remarked Neil. "Like in that film...er..."We ended up having to eat each other"." Rick gave the hippy a withering look. "Well I suppose it would be would'nt it Neil? Except we dont happen to have any dead sailors lying around. Or maybe we have! Maybe I just havent noticed them! Maybe we should hire ourselves out as outcast provisions..." "Hey I was just saying..." "Well DONT!!" Mike had that slow and thoughtful look on his face again. "Y'know Neil just made a very valid point. Theres no reason to stand on ceremony. You understand me?" "Not at all." Vyvyan shook his head. "Theres just one question." continued Mike. "Who is going in the pot?" There was an awful pause. Then Ricks hand shot into the air. "ME!" Everyone stared at him moved by the sacrifice their brave fellow outcast was making so that they might live. "No HIM." Rick added jerking his thumb at Neil. "It was a joke."   
  
* * *   
  
"Just my luck to pick the shortest straw." grumbled Neil as he made his bed several minutes later. "Still I wonder if Napoleon had to put up with this kinda thing." The door whirled open and Mike Rick and Vyvyan dashed in. "Oh hi guys. Wanna play some records? I was just..." Neils effusive welcome was cut off as Mike and Rick grabbed him and pinned him down on the bed. "No time Neil we'r hungry." snapped Mike shortly. Vyvyan produced a chainsaw and spurred it into life. BZZZZZZ! The saw approached Neil who cried out in alarm. Rick cackled. "Oh look! Look! Neils scared! Scaredy cat scaredy cat sitting on the door mat! All the little doggy-wogs..." Rick trailed off under the bemused stares of his friends or otherwise. "...will come and have a bit of it." he finished weakly. "WAIT!" Mike intervened just as the saw neared Neils gut. They all looked at him. Neil was amazed. He had never thought that Mike cared. "Hold it sideways." concluded Mike. "Ya'll get a nice clean cut." BZZZZZZ! "Hey guys...Can I have an anastetic?" "I dont see why not." conceded Vyvyan. Pausing from his work Vyvyan removed a claw hammer from his pocket used it to render Neil comatose replaced it and then revved up the saw again. BZZZZZZ! CRACK! CRASH! CRACK! Someone up there must have looked kindly upon Neil for just as all seemed lost there was a sudden unexpected development. You see at the precise moment that the saw touched Neils gullet there was a tremendous commotion and the door began to crack and splinter in fragments. A man with the axe Vyvyan had wielded earlier was revealed behind the door. He had a familiar looking coke can in his hand. Everyone recognised him. "MR BILOSKI!!!" "He's turned into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" cried Rick. "I wonder what drove him to it?" "LITTLE PIGS! LITTLE PIGS!" roared Mr Biloski from the other side of the door. "LETS PLAY HOSPITALS! JERTSY WANTS TO FINGER YOUR ENTRAILS!!" "Oh my god!" cried Rick. "Theres no one in here mr Biloski! We'r all holograms!" The axe continued to mutilate the door. It wasnt going to hold for long... "Put Neils speaker up against the door!" suggested Rick. Neil was utterly mortified at the idea. "No man! Not the speaker! Michael Bowie once pissed on that!" the hippy wailed. "BOYS AND GIRLS COME OUT TO PLAY ON THE BUSY MOTORWAY!!!!!!!" roared the would be slayer of the four students. The door was down to its bare essentials. The comrades decided to cut their losses and hurled Neil at the door and into Biloski's hands. Meanwhile Vyvyan revved up the chain-saw and cut a hole in the wall. "Bite him Neil!" cried Rick. "I cant do that! I'm a vegetarian!" "Well keep him busy while we escape!" came the less-than helpful response. With that Mike Vyvyan and Rick raced for safety via the rooms recently added air-conditioning. Neil decided to act on Ricks suggestion. Biloski was left in enough agony to allow Neil to wriggle free and follow the others. CRASH!!! The door gave way and Biloski was able to enter. He looked around and saw the hole. * * * The boys raced up to Mikes room. A feral roar behind them revealed that Biloski had seen Neil as he disappeared up the stairs. The guys ducked behind the open door and waited. Rick screwed up a brave face. He tensed up behind the door ready to leap out at the psycho and make one last desperate attempt overpower Biloski and save the others lives. And that would have been the end of him. But he never had a chance to leap... * * * Biloski fell for it. He assumed that his prey had enterd Mikes room and dashed in. And the lions fell on him. * * * "Lucky Franco was here with his troup of man eating lions." Neil remarked as they all walked down to the living room. "Yeah." agreed Rick. "I'd like to shake his hand." Mike granted Ricks wish by handing him a mutilated hand. Not really knowing what to do with it Rick wiggled it about in the air for a few minutes before dropping it. They had reached the landing now. Neil gave an ejaculation as he looked out a window. "Oh wow! The house has suddenly grown!" The others joined him at the window. "He's wrong you know." said Rick. "The water-level is receeding and the river is subsiding!" 


	5. Of techno fear university challenge and ...

One day Rick Vyvyan and Mike were seated at the breakfast table.  
Rick was telling a story.   
"Which if you ask me is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down!" snickerd Rick. "Anyway...But Mary decided..."   
"Wait a minute." interceded Vyvyan. "Who's this Mary?"   
Rick gave him a look.   
"What do you mean "Who's this Mary?". he said disgruntled. "I'v been talking about her for the last ten minutes!"   
"Have you?"   
"Honestly Vyvyan have you been listening to a word I'v said???"   
"No."   
"Well pay attention!" snapped Rick deciding to concede to Vyvyans inferior intellect. "Mary's that tall girl doing joggers..."   
"Ohhhhhhh." Vyvyan caught on. "You mean the one with enormous tits!"   
Rick laughed derisively. "Honestly they'r minute...Vyvyan will you stop being so sexist?!! They'r called breasts and everybody has them!"   
"Well I dont!" retorted Vyvyan.   
"Yes and nor did Adolf Hitler!" countered Rick.   
  
* * *   
  
Neil tore down the street breathlessly. The hippy had never had need of such haste. If he didnt get the message to the other members of the commune the results would be tragic...   
  
* * *  
  
"Oh I know who you mean." said Vyvyan nodding. "Old yellow pages." "Yes yes yes." said Rick testily. "I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the university call her that yes! Anyway Mary decided not to go to the party for the obvious reason..." "Hold it hold it hold it." Mike stopped him. "What is it now???" "Who's getting married?" "No nobody's getting married Michael I'm talikng about Mary!" Pause. Then... "Who's Mary?" "Oh GOD!!!"   
  
* * *  
  
In his divine rush Neil overturned a dustbin as inevitably he established contact with it. CRASH! The hippy found himself underneath an upturned pile of rubbish. Scrambling to his feet Neil noticed a multi-coloured hippy-satchel among the debris. Thanking the gods for their gift Neil claimed it. Then his eye fell on a dead pidgeon fementing sadly on the ground. Singing the gods praise joyously for depriving him of the nessesity of going to the shops that day Neil grabbed it and stuffed it into the satchel. Then he went on running. * * * "But I still dont see why that means they should call her "yellow pages"." said Mike. "Look I'll tell you Michael." said Vyvyan leaning forward. "Y'see when she gets drunk at parties..." "Vyvyan!" cut in Rick. "Vyvyan would you please try to grow up and pay attention! Its my story its bloody amusing! Honestly I dont know why I bother sometimes." "I dont know why you bother ever." remarked Vyvyan. "Yeah right." chuckled Rick half-heartedly. GRUNT.   
  
* * *   
  
Neil finally reached the house.  
Mohammed had come to the mountain.   
  
* * *  
  
Just as Neil enterd the phone began to ring. "Hey guys! Listen I'v got something AMAZING to tell you..." Rick looked around at him. "Answer the phone Neil!" "What?" "Answer the phone!" "Oh right." Neil made for the telephone and reached it...just as it stopped ringing. "Oh floppy disks." he grunted. "Anyway never mind listen to..." "What d'you mean never mind?" demanded Rick. "That might have been a very important call Neil! God your a complete tea cup arent you?" "Mug Rick." "What? Oh yes sorry damn DAMN!" Neil addressed the students. "Look listen to me right..." "No Neil YOU listen!" snapped Vyvyan. "I'v been waiting here for half an hour. Half a bloody hour Neil being hungry waiting for my tea and listeng to that bogey bum!" (Indicating Rick.) Neil was indignant. "Oh and so thats my fault? Yeah its always my fault! Why didnt you cook your own tea Vyvyan?" the hippy challenged. "Because I do NOT cook the tea Neil. YOU do!!" retorted Vyvyan. "Thats what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking and I'll look after the plants and the goldfish." "Yeah." said Neil bitterly as he made for the counter. "And what did you make me cook on that first day." "Sausages." "Sausages AND?" Vyvyan sighed. "Sausages and plants and goldfish. I'v discharged my responsibilities Neil now you discharge yours." "Hey Mike!" grinned Rick. "That sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke dos'nt it!" Mike glanced at him. "Shut up Rick." As Rick sulked Neil emptied the dustbin onto the table. The group stared at him. "Whats this Neil?" cried Mike. "Left-overs." "Neil" said Rick trembling with emotion. "I hate you." "Oh yeah thats right pick on me!" said Neil. "I mean I'v already had personality hassles with a complete stranger today..." "Hey theres a dead rat in here!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "GREAT!!" he proceeded to bite the rats head off. "I mean a complete stranger came up to me right and called me smelly!" explained Neil. Looks of total and profound outrage and concern for their fellow student utterly failed to materialise on the others faces. "This complete stranger shouted smelly at me!" Neil bashed on. "I wouldnt have minded if he was standing sevral yards away! I mean come on guys you can tell me truthfully do I smell?" The hippy lifted his armpits for their perusal. "Yes." said Mike. "I mean come on I can handle it do I...what do you mean "yes"?" "We mean yes you smell." offered Vyvyan. "Smelly!" "Great. Yeah great." grumbled Neil as he went about his buisness. Suddenly Rick looked up. "Hands up who likes me!" he cried brightly. "Look here guys." began Mike. "According to the house list the last time we went to the laundret was February...1981. Guys its wash day." "I said hands up who likes..." "RICK! We heard what you said! Now guys theres no avoiding this and I'm not talking about my chopper. We are going to the laundret." "Oh no PLEASE!" cried Vyvyan in dismay. "Oh no not the laundret." groaned Neil dismally. Rick leapt to his feet. He was trembling with rage. Perhapse like the prophet of old he considerd that he did well to be angry. "Why dont you like me?" he demanded. Vyvyan looked up at him. "Because your a complete bastard." he replied. "Now Vyvyan I'm being serious." said Rick sternly. "So am I. Your a complete bastard and we all hate you." Rick chuckled wryly. "I find that rather difficult to believe." "Wanna bet on it?" said Vyvyan. "I'll put down a fiver!" "Yeah me too!" volounteered Neil. "Count me in!" contibuted Mike. "Er..I dont bet." said Rick in what he hoped was a rueful voice. "Coward!" laughed Vyvyan. "Yeah YELLOW CHICKEN!" taunted Neil. "Yeah ok I'm not scared!" said Rick. "Alright everybody." said Vyvyan as they all slapped down their money. "The bets on!" Rick pretended to fumble around in his pockets. "OH! I havent got any money!" he said regretfully. Neil looked at him in puzzlement. "What about that tenner I lent you this morning for your sisters operation?" he asked. Now it was Vyvyans turn to be bewilderd. "You havent got a sister Rick!" he said. "Your the classic example of an only child!" Rick was forced to admit defeat. "Are we gonna bet or are we gonna piffle around all day?" he snarled slapping down Neils tenner. "Right...HANDS UP WHO LIKES ME!!!!" Neil Mike and Vyvyan stuck their hands under the table. Rick only got two votes and they were his own. "DAMN!!" he roared. "Right thats it I'm gonna kill myself! Then you'll be sorry!" "No we wont." snickerd Vyvyan as he tore a tenner in half and handed one piece to Mike. Rick had taken off his belt and was trying unsuccessfully to hang himself from the ceiling. "I feel sorry for you you zeros! YOu nobodies! Whats gonna live on after you die? I'll tell you! Nothing thats what!" Rick gave up and went over to the fridge where he grabbed a jar of pills which he started to cram into his mouth. "Vyvyan" said Neil. "can you like actually kill yourself with laxitive pills?" "I dunno Neil but I'm going to stay and find out." "I think I'm going to go up to my room for a bit." muttered Neil and ran for the stairs cringing away from Rick as he did so. "This house will become a shrine!" cried Rick as he gutted pills. "And punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the adults will say "But why are the kids crying?" and all the kids will say "Havent you heard? Rick is dead! The peoples poet is dead! And then one particularly sensitive and articulat teenager will say "Hey you other kids do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" and then another kid will say..." BLLLURRRRPPPP!!!!! Just as Rick underwent an embarrassing movement Neil came down stairs again with a look of terror on his face. "Oh wow! Hey you guys one of Vyvyans socks has escaped!"   
  
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"Get back in the sack sock!" roared Vyvyan at the sock he Neil and Mike had cornored and were waving chairs at. - I'm not going back in there! - hissed the sock. - It stinks! - "Vyvyan if you cant keep control of your socks you shant be allowed to have any!" growled Mike. The sock attacked Neil who shrank away in abject fear. "Oh oh oh oh!!! Help I'm being hassled by a killer sock!!!!" Vyvyan grabbed a frying pan and brought it crashing down on the sock repeatedly. CLANG! "KILL!" snarled Neil waving his chair at the sock. CLANG! "KILL!" CLANG! "KILL!" Rick came into the living room and glared at Neil in disgust. "Oh well thats nice talk coming from a vegetarian!" "Socks arent vegetables man they should be wiped out!" "Well I hope your satisfied Dr Neil Goebils." sniffed Rick. "Its dead now." He removed his hat respectfully. Vyvyan took the oppurtunity to hit him with the frying pan. "Right that settles it." said Mike. "We are going to the laundret NOW." "We cant Mike." said Vyvyan. "Why not?" "Because they dont open for another eight hours. Its midnight." "Right we are going up to bed right now." said Mike   
  
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"Come on guys like the sooner we start the sooner we finish." said Neil the next day at the laundret. "Ha!" laughed Rick as he plonked down next to where Vyvyan and Mike were sitting. "They said that about...something that took a long time to finish. Didnt they!" "I hate these places." grunted Vyvyan. "They'r so depressing. You know Michael I would rather go to a lecture than a laundret." "Oh come on Vyvyan dont exaggerate." "Hey!" cried Rick. "I know a joke about that as well! Listen pay attention to me! "I'v told you a million times do not exaggerate!"." Mike and Vyvyan stared at him. "Get on with it Neil." snapped Rick. Neil stuffed the clothes into a washing machine. BLUUUUUUURP! The machine spewed them out again covering the four students with rusty coloured water. "Oh wow!" wailed Neil. "Techno-fear! Its happening again! All the machineries ganging up on me! Vyvyan..." "Outta the way Neil!" snapped Vyvyan. "Me and machinery have a very special understanding!" He took the clothes and put his face close the machine. "Right dont give me any jib ya bastard." The machine door slammed shut. "Oh dear." murmured Vyvyan. "This calls for a very special blend of phsycology and extreme violence." He cleared his throat. "Oh la-di-da! Look what I'v found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendalls under wear! It needs a good wash!" The door flew open again. Rick Neil and Vyvyan lunged at it and held it open. Mike began to read the instructions. "Right makes sure the door is securely clo-Oh no we'v done that! Now fill the machine with powder...What d'they mean "powder"? Curry powder? Cocain? I mean Whats on their minds???" "Maybe they need washing powder Mike." Neil suggested. He looked around for inspiration. "Well look maybe if we like gather all the horrid sludgy stuff from the other machines we can get enough." "Great Neil you carry on. It says "do you require conditioner?". Well do we?" "No Mike." gasped Rick sweaty from his battle with the washing machine door. "Thats just for people washing their hair." "Well we dont want to go mad! Now insert two fifty pence pieces..." Mikes voice trailed off as he realised the one fatal flaw in their plan. Rick Vyvyan and Neil turned to look at him. Pause. Then the four of them turned to stare at the washing machine. If a machine could look smug then this denizen would have made the Chesire cat look like a relative of Neil.   
  
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"C'mon guys." said Neil as they were all gatherd despondantly around the living room table an hour later. "I dont think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean whats so wrong about dirty clothes anyway?" Rick perked up. "Yes. Y'know what they say. "Dirty pants clean butt"." Mike gave a nod of approval. "Dirty duvet dirty mind." he quoted. "Yeah." put in Vyvyan. "My trousers are so old its only the stubborn stains that are holding them together." "One things for sure." said Rick. "When Lenin led the rovoloution in Russia no way did he do it with spotless trouses." "YEAH! I LOVE MY THREADS FILTHY!" cried Vyvyan. "Yeah!" said Neil. "Hey lets like never wash our clothes again!" "Whaddaya mean again??????!!!!!!!" demanded Mike. Neil bashed on regardlessly. "We could be like the dirtiest students in the whole world!" "Hey!" grinned Mike. "Now theres a challenge." The result was explosive. Neil lept up from the table and lunged to the middle of the room. "OH WOW!" he cried. "OH YEAH! HEY I'V JUST REMEMBERD WHAT IT WAS I HAD TO TELL YOU!! WHATS THE TIME?????!!!!!" "Half-past five?" guessed Vyvyan. "That means we have exactly five minutes to get to the station!" "Oh cocka-doodle-doo Neil." sneered Rick. "What ARE you taling about?" "We'v been picked right." said Neil. "To like go on university challenge tonight!"   
  
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"Oh I wish we'd missed the train after all now." mutterd Neil as he poured of his work-file of notes. "I'm just not going to able to answer anything. I just know it." "Oh c'mon Neil ya little swotty-pants." sniggerd Rick who sitting on the other side of the table. "Gawd just look at you! Swotting away for teacher like a total spasmo! God your really just an utter creep arent you Neil? You'v done loads and loads of work for this and I havent done anything! Go on test me!" Neil looked up at him. "What?" "Go on test me!" "You just said you havent done anything." "Stop trying to be clever just take the book." "Alright but probation regurgatation is against my principles." "I'm asking you to test me on it not throw up on it!" Neil looked at Ricks file. "O-level history notes?" "Yeah." grinned Rick. "Bitta bloody brilliant luck eh! We'r doing the exact same subject as I did for O-levels!" Neil noticed a missive scrawled on the cover of the file. "Prick is a wonker signed the rest of the class." There was a momentarty silence. "Ah." chuckled Rick. "Well you see that was a sort of in-joke we had in our class. Actually I was incredibly popular and everybody thought I was great." Neils gaze fell upon a second epitaph. "I agree with the rest of the class signed teacher." Rick ripped the file from his hands opened it at a spot and handed it back to him. "Right." he snapped. "Now do it properly and dont skip bits." Neil began to read. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century..." "Right." cut in Rick. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were much more widespread..." "Considerably." Rick looked at the hippy. "Sorry?" "Its considerably more widespread not much more." explained Neil. Rick looked at him blankly. "Well?" "Well you said do it properly and dont skip bits." "Well not that much you stupid bloody HIPPY!" snapped Rick. "Right! Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were CONSIDERABLY more widespread after...god I know this. Dont tell me!... 1172!" He waited expectantly. Neil just sat there staring at him. "Well?" "You just said not to tell you." "Yes but I only meant for a minute!" "What a minute from now or a minute from then?" "Just shut up and tell me the answer!" "Shut up AND tell you the answer?" "JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!!!" roared Rick. "John." "John? Crop roatations in the seventeenth century were considerably more widespread after...John?" "After John invented the patent crop roatation." Rick thumped the desk. "Yes! I knew it I bloody knew it!" "No you didnt!" Neil protested. "You said 1172 thats not a bit like John!" Rick broke down in tears. "God you spiteful little bastard Neil!" he howled hysterically. "Just because your a creepy little swot and you'v done about fifteen million tons worth of work just like a girl and just because I'm so hard and suave and cool that I'v done absolutely bugger all! And look at it!" He began to rip Neils notes into pieces. "And loads and loads and loads and loads!!!!" he wept. Neil slapped him across the face. "Stop it Rick!" he cried. "Its only university challenge Rick! Its only university challenge!" As Rick calmed down Mike and Vyvyan returned from the buffet and sat down. Vyvyan handed Rick a paper cup and held out his hands. "Four quid Rick." "Four pounds for an empty paper cup?" sniffed Rick. "Well it HAD sugar in it." Rick sighed and handed over a five pound note which Vyvyan proceeded to rip in half and hand one half of to Mike. "Who are we playing anyway?" Mike wonderd aloud. "Footlights university college." said Neil. "Its gonna be like really heavy and tough." "Well I'v done my revision." said Vyvyan giving a book to Mike. Mike looked at the book. "The Daily Mirror book of facts. Did you know?" "Really?" gasped Neil grabbing the book and opening it. "Do you think thats where they get the questions from?" He read aloud from it. "The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one nostril..." "Tokstov Ogrady USA." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "The world stickiest bogey..." "Thats Tokstov again." "The worls stupidest bottom burp Vyvyan Britain." cackled Rick. "It say Rick here." Neil contradicted him. Rick grabbed the book and stared at it incredulously. Vyvyan got to his feet. "I'm off to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet." he informed the others as he walked off. "I'v often wonderd who did that..." murmured Mike. Then the train came to a halt and they were nearly hurled to the floor. "Oh good heavens what now?" growled Rick. "Someone must ahve pulled the communications cord." said Mike. "Well it wasnt me matey!" laughed Rick. "If British rails want fifty pounds the can just about bloody well run out and become a prostitute! Which they virtually are anyway come to think of it! Right commutas?!!"   
  
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"Oh god!" snarled Rick as the gang stood by the road trying to hitch a lift. He gave Vyvyan a withering glare. "If you hadnt pulled that communications cord that man would never have thrown us off the train!" "Rick he threw us off the train because you said that Aslav was an anagram for "total and complete bastard"." Mike ammended. "Apart from that it isint even." mutterd Neil. "Oh shut up Neil." growled Rick. "If you hadnt been born then we wouldnt even be here because there'd only be three of us and three isint enough to go on university challenge so its your fault!" "Will everyone relax?" inquired Mike. "It dos'nt matter what time we get there. I know Bambi. I helped him get the Babisham advert." Neil was impressed. "Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really make it out of babies?" "Oh bloody hell!" wailed Rick. "It must be about two hundred miles to manchester and I bet we'v got to walk the whole bloody way!" "What are you talking about Rick?" retorted Mike. "I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!"   
  
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"See told ya!" said Mike as they arrived at the TV studio. "Hang on." growled the security guard as arrived in the lobbey. "You were supposed to be here two weeks ago!" "Yeah but we had to like walk the last two hundred miles." grumbled Neil. "We sent a telegraph message." said Mike. "Didnt you get it?" "We did get a message yeah." the guard took out a sheet of paper and read it out to the lads. "Beep beep beep. Oh no heavy the coins keep coming out. Beep beep beep. Even the telephone hates me. Beep beep beep. I wish there were no machines and we all led a pastoroul existence. Beep beep beep. Carrots and turnips dont deliberately mock you and go like beep in your ear." "Thats our message." affirmed Neil. "Didnt you get it?" The secrity guard sighed. I'm too good for this he thought. Vyvyan entered the lobbey. He was carrying a large pig in his arms. "Hang on whats that?" exclaimed the guard. "Its my mascot." replied Vyvyan. "A pig???" "NO!" "Yes it is!" "No its not. Its a ferret. A severely deformed ferret I grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig." "It looks exactly like a pig!" "Yes well it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact Bacon Sandwhich here is known as the Pig Ferret." "Bacon Sandwhich?" mused the guard. "Funny name for a ferret innit?" "AHA!!" laughed Vyvyan. "And thats where I had you fooled! Its not a ferret its a pig!" "Nice one Vyvyan!" laughed Mike. "Yeah!" chuckled Rick. "Have ya had enough Nazi or d'ya want some more?!!" - Thats nothing - thought Bacon Sandwhich. - Someone called me a policeman the other day - Just then a tall man in white wandered into the room. "Oh." he said. "I see that the Scum Bag University reps are here! Well then..." "Bambi Bambi!" cried Mike clapping the man on the back. "My main man! Good t'see ya! You'v lost a lot of fur since I last saw you and your walking on two legs now but still the same old Bambi!" Neil sniffed and began to sob. "Shut Neil!" hissed Rick. "Shut up! Whats the matter?" "I'm sorry everbody." wept Neil. "I'm sorry Bambi. I'm just remembering the bit where you got lost in the snow and the little rabbit found you. It was so beautiful." "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan fiendishly. "I loved the bit where you shoved the drill into the virgin otters face!" "That wasnt in Bambi Vyvyan!" cried the outraged Neil. "It was in the sequel Neil." snapped Vyvyan. "Bambi goes crazy bonkers with his drill and sex." There was a pause. The bottom of Neils life seemed to fall out as lie after lie about his main inspiration was shattered. The hippy glared at the man who he had respected admired and looked up to for all these years. "Is that true Bambi?" he demanded "Did you do a Disney nasty?" "What if I did?" sniffed Bambi. "I'm not apologising. My life just collapsed after Bambi. I was a lovable fawn alright. I did the Babycham commercials and when the porn version of Bambi came along I thought "Hey this is where I get something back". If it wasnt for the chance to host University Challenge I would have been giving executive relief to this very day." There was a slight pause. "So." said Rick folding his arms. "Are you going to let us win?" Bambi looked at him. "No of course not the posh kids will win. They always do. Come on the shows about to start." As they were led away Vyvyan left Bacon Sandwhich in the security guards hands.   
  
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"Down there we have the reps from Footlights Oxford." Bambi addressed the audience. "RA RA RA! WE'R GOING TO SMASH THE OIKS!" roared the Footlights supporters. "Yes thats the spirit. And up there we have Scum bag university represented by Mike Vyvyan Prick..." "WHAT???!!!" "...and Neil." "Vegetable rights and peace!" said Neil giving the audience the peace sign. The crowd booed and hissed. "Right now lets begin." said Bambi taking out the question cards. "Fingers on buzzers. Now who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm...Can I go to the toilet please?" asked the hippy. "No I'm afraid your barking up the wrong tree there. Now where was..." BUZZ! "Battle of Bannockburn!" said one of the footlights reps. "Yes that was very well anticipated there. Footlights up by a hundred points." Bambi took out another question card. "Who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm sorry to like hussle you Bambi but I do need to go the toilet really badly!" Bambi chose to pass that over with the contempt it deserved. "Who said "Lawks o lordy my bottoms on fire!"?" "Oh no guys I'm going to have to like wee on Lord Snotts head..." BUZZ! "Lenin!" cried a Footlights rep. "Well I'll accept that though the exact answer is Joan of Ark. Footlights up by three hundred points." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Vyvyan." All eyes went to Vyvyan who was trying to take his buzzer apart with a pen knife. He looked up and stared back. "What?" he inquired. Bambi hurriedly plucked out a third question card. "What is the chemical equasion of..." BUZZ! "I'v got a porshe." giggled a female Footlights rep. "Well thats not the answer but I knew your father so Footlights up by six hundred points." "Daddy sends his hugs!" Bambi collected a third question card. "Who is the..." "I'm completely bloody sick of this!" roared Vyvyan. He kicked a hole in the platform and introduced a Footlight reps head to his foot. The rep hit the deck. "Give us some easy ones Bambi ya big bottom burp!!" "Now I'm going to have to hurry you for an answer." plunged on Bambi. "Who is the richest man in the world?" "Its me is'nt it?" inquired a Footlights rep. "I'm afraid not. Your fathers multi-million collapsed only this morning." "Damn!" cried Rick. "We'r getting thrashed! We'r getting completely thrashed! Is'nt there some way we can CHEAT?!!" "Look guys its beginning to seep out..." "Its very simple Neil." snapped Mike. "Use the jug." He emptied the jug onto Lord Snott and handed it to Neil. "Now Vyvyan." hissed Mike. Vyvyan took out a hand grenade. "Armaggedon!!!" He threw the grenade downwards... KAAAAABOOOOOOM!!!!!!!! When the smoke cleared up there was no sign of the Footlights reps. "Next question." said Bambi. "What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?" BUZZ! "Scum bag-Mike." "Five hundred and twenty three Tokstov Ogrady USA." stated Mike calmly. Vyvyan gave a roar of fury. "I told you that Mike you bloody cheat!" "Correct. Two hundred points. The worlds stickiest bogy?" "Tokstov again Bambi." "Correct. Five hundred points." "You bum bag!" exploded Vyvyan apalled. "And the final question for a thousand points to take you into the lead...who's been tampering with my question cards?" BUZZ! "IT WAS ME!!" cried Rick proudly. "IT WAS ME!!!!!!" Then he realised his fatal blunder. "DAMN!! DAMN!!!!!" The crowd began to boo and hiss. "Turn the fire extinguishers on them!" Bambi called down to the security guards. The next half-hour was very exciting for the four students. 


	6. Ohhhhhh! Have we got a VIDEO?!!

"But I still dont see why we had to paint the coffin dig the grave and everything else." grumbled Vyvyan as he Mike Neil and Rick carried the coffin through the mist bound grave yard at midnight.   
"Well we sorta responsible for him being in this condition in the first place." offered Neil.   
"Liberal!" snapped Vyvyan.   
"Oh you should have seen me at the undertakers Mike!" cackled Rick. "I made all these marvelous jokes about the undertaker coming around to measure my stiffy!"   
"I thought that we should have like some kinda floral tribute." said Neil. "But all I could find was this carrot. I also thought up a sermon. It goes: Sorry everything being a bummer what whith you dying and everything. Still it might have been worse. You might have been me and ended up having a really bad time all the time."   
"Thats very touching Neil." Mike approved.   
"When my hamster finds out you'v pinched his carrot he's gonna kill you Mcikey." remarked Vyvyan. "I didnt know that he eats carrots." "He dosnt EAT carrots Neil! He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls!" They had reached the grave by now. Exerted they dropped the coffin to the ground. An old woman walked past them. She stopped in front of Neil. "Do you dig graves?" she asked. "Yeah." nodded the hippy. "They'r alright." "Do you? Well I think they'r wonderful!" They watched as she strolled off. A man in a white robe arrived. "Hullo. I'm the vicar." "Well you'd have to be." retorted Vyvyan. "Otherwise you'd look a right girly in that dress!" The vicar poked Vyvyan in the eye. Then he took out a flask and opened it. The smell of absinthe greeted the students. "Blimey its a bit early for that isint it?" asked Rick. "God your right." the vicar threw the flask away and produced a hymn book. "Right. Ashes to ashes..." "Funk to funky!" sang Rick. "We know major Toms a junkie..." He got no further as the vicar grabbed hold of him by the front of his coat and head-butted him in the face. Rick fell dazed backwards into the grave. It took a moment for him to recover his composure and cry out. "Help! I'v just fallen into a grave!" "Brilliant!" exclaimed Vyvyan grabbing a shovel. "Lets fill it in!" Neil was shocked at his comrades calluos disregard for Ricks well being. "No!" he exclaimed. "We cant bury Rick alive!" Vyvyan considered this for a moment. "Thats absolutely correct Neil." he affirmed. "We'd better kill him first!" Vyvyan lifted his shovel and brought it crashing down on Ricks head. Suprisingly however Rick felt very little. Perhapse there was very little in it to be damaged. As Rick managed to haul himself out of the pit two men came tearing up. The first of the men gave them an unpleasant glare. "Whats all this?" he demanded. "Where'd you get your digging permit?" "Where'd you get all this gear from?" snapped the second man. "Yeah. If any holes get dug around here they get dug by..." The mans voice trailed off as he caught sight of something. "Whats this camera???" he asked nervously. "Is this for a laugh?" "Have you killed someone as a prank?" giggled the second man. "No we bloody havent!" snarled Rick as he rubbed his head. "Would mind buggering off now this is a serious funeral!" "No." said the first man. "C'mon tell us whats going on." "Well." Said Vyvyan as they all sat down. "It's a long story..."   
  
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"Neil!" called Rick as he exited the bathroom in his robe. "The bathrooms free unlike the country under the Thatcherite junter!" He broke off as he saw Neil sitting by the door. "What'r are you doing there Neil?" "Queing." "How long have you been there?" "Thirty years." Rick glared at him suspiciously. "You'v been listening havent you Neil?" he demanded. "You'v been listening to what Iv been doing in the bath! Is this how you get your kicks these days? It is isint it ya little pervy!" "I wasn't listening Rick." Neil retorted. "Anyway what were you doing?" Slight pause. "I wasn't doing anything!" exclaimed Rick defensively. "Then I couldn't have heard anything could I?" "And anyway Neil." Sneered Rick. "Don't think that Vyvyan Mike and I don't know exactly what you get up to in there! So I wouldn't go spilling the beans if I was you!" Neil looked up sharply. "Whadda you know about the beans?" he cried in alarm. "Exactly." Rick went to leave and then turned back. "What beans???" "Er nothing." Said Neil hastily as he entered the bathroom. "Ha ha no beans!"  
  
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"Your video machine is now ready for use." Mike read from the manual. "Happy viewing." "Ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan as he inserted the final wire. "They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we'v got!" Mike picked up the remote and pushed the "play" button. Absolutely nothing happened. "Well they don't call this a new era in entertainment." remarked Mike. "No." agreed Vyvyan. "I call it very very DULL!" "Well maybe you shouldn't have poured all that washing up liquid into it." "But it says ensure that you machine is clean and free from dust." "Yeah but it dosnt say ensure that your machine is full of washing up liquid." "Well it dosnt say ensure that your machine ISINT full of washing up liquid!" "Well it wouldn't would it?" snapped Mike crabbily. "I mean it dosnt say ensure you chop up your machine with an axe put all the bits in a plastic bag and bung them down the lavatory!" "Dosnt it?" said Vyvyan grabbing the VCR and making for the stairs. "Well maybe that's where we'r going wrong." "Put that down!" exclaimed Mike. "I'm minding that for Harry the Bastard!" "Who's he?" asked Vyvyan replacing the video. "A gangster?" "No he's the bloke who works at Rumbleos."   
  
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"Vyvyan!" Rick called said to his bedroom door. "I KNOW your in my bedroom plotting one of your desperately adult practical jokes so anything ghastly that happens to me when I walk in isint funny at all!" Rick threw the door open and flung his arms in front of him protectively. Nothing. Rick opened his eyes to see no one standing in front of him. Then realisation dawned. He swung the door shut and cringed. Large double-headed axed death failed to happen to him. Bewildered Rick turned... His eyes fell upon the bed. Rick tore off the bed sheet and flung himself back out of harms way. But it was as it turned out unessesary. There was absolutely no one concealed under the sheets. "Maybe he's ill." sniffed Rick. Then a look of madness came into his eyes. He took out a pen knife and lifted a corner of the carpet revealing a loose plank. Rick levered the plank up and took a magazine out of the hidey hole beneath. With a devilish grin Rick opened the magazine and flung himself onto the bed. BUZZZZ! A buzz-saw appeared through the wall triggered by the weight on the bed. The saw traveled down the bed towards...   
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
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"Whats that sound?" inquired Mike.   
"Oh its probably Rick doing a bit of reading."  
  
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"Ha ha ha!" cackled Rick as he finished nailing the last plank on Vyvyans bedroom door. "Try getting outta that so-called-Vyvyan!"   
  
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With Vyvyan out of the picture Rick walked down to the living room and opened The magazine. "Hello Rick." said Mike . Rick jumped and then hurriedly concealed the mag. "He listen Mike." He sniggered. "I'v just nailed up Vyvyan in his bedroom! He'll be in for a shock when he wakes up for his nine-o-clock tutorial!" "Finished Mike." Reported Vyvyan from the other side of the room. Rick stared at him blankly. Then the moment of confusion passed and he gave a roar of fury. "Vyvyan! You utter BASTARD!!! Why arent you in your bedroom?!!" "Cos I'm not going to bed tonight." "What do you mean your not going to bed tonight?! How DARE you not go to bed tonight?! I go to all the trouble of boarding you up in your room and you havent even got the common decency to be in there!" "Don't worry Rick it wouldn't have worked anyway." consoled the punk. "And why not pray?" "Cos I swapped rooms with Neil. Well I HAD to. I was sick all over my bed." "Well look here matey your going straight up to your room and your going to pull all the planks off the door and nail yourself in..." Pause. "What d'you mean your not going to bed tonight???" "Mike and I are going to induldge in an all night orgy of sex and violence." Vyvyan explained. "What...In the middle of the drawing room???" "First" said Vyvyan scanning a video cover. "we'r gonna have sex with the headless corpse and the virgin astronaut." "Ugh...wont the carpet get awfully sticky?" "It's a video nasty!" "It's a carpet farty!" "The only problem is we cant get the bastard to work." growled Mike. "Well I'm not surprised if he's dead!" snapped Rick. "Not the astronaut the video!" Rick stared and then... "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Have we got a video???!!!" "Yes we'v got a video!" snarled Vyvyan. Rick gave them both a suspicious look. "Wait a minute where did you get it from?" "Well don't spred it around but I know this guy..." "What and you borrowed it from him?" "Yeah more or less." Said Vyvyan as he opened the manual again. "We just signed a few forms..." Mike took over on Vyvyans behalf. "Told them about our friend..." Vyvyan went on brushing off Mikes offer of help. "Slipped back to get his birth cerificate to prove his age..." bashed on Mike determined to assist the punk whether he liked it or not. "Except they'v given us a dud!" snapped Vyvyan triumphing in his verbal battle with Mike. "Oh give me that!" exclaimed Rick grabbing the manual. He stared at the cover and then... "Vyvyan this is for a toaster!"  
  
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Meanwhile in a small wooden the middle of a forest not far from the house Rosco Wilco was playing chess with his partner Ruffles. Suddenly the door burst open to the chill of fall. Oscar burst in and collapsed to the ground clutching his chest. There was a bullet wound in his gut. Rosco looked around and acknowledged his comrades presence. "Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance don't they?" he grunted. "I think he's been shot Rosco." remarked Ruffles. Rosco got to his feet. "You know what this means don't you?" "No what?" "I'm going to have to close the door myself." Rosco got up and closed the door. Oscar reared up on the floor. "Rosco!" he gasped in agony. "You'v got to get to Geneva!" Rosco turned and looked at him. "He's bleeding all over the floor." observed Ruffles. "Look I'v just washed this floor." Rosco told his grounded friend. Oscar grabbed Rosco by the front of his shirt and pulled him down. "You'v got to go to Geneva tonight!" he cried. "Ask for Neil!" he pushed a folded up piece of paper into Rosco's hand. "Look I'll never remember this." said Rosco turning to Ruffles. "Give me a pen. Oh I have one here! Well give a piece of paper." "HURRY! STAY CALM!" screamed Oscar. "Harry? He's that comedian isint he? Harry...whats his..." "HURRY!!!!!!!!" "Alright I'm not made of paper!" snapped Rosco. "I'm not a cheque!" There was a pause. Then Rosco and Ruffles started laughing about this observation. "A cheque." giggled Ruffles. "Good one!" "GO TO GENEVA!" cried Oscar. "Neils phone number is on that paper." Oscar started to breath heavily at this point. "May...god...go...with...you..." he whispered and then went very very still. "Yeah I know that." nodded Rosco. "But how am I going to get to Geneva by tonight? Who's going to pay for the ticket? C'mon give me that paper." Ruffles handed him slip of paper. Rosco turned to Oscars inert form. "Whats the message?" "He's dead." "How do you spell it?" "No he's dead!" Rosco realised what all this boiled down to and sobred up. He got up and looked gravely at his friend and partner. "We'll have to get a line to Scotland yard Ruffles. They'r going to have to answer this question once and for all." He turned to the phone and picked up the receiver.   
  
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"That thing started yet?" grunted Mike as he unravelled the video tape and inspected it. "Give it a chance Mike." Muttered Rick as he tried to get the video working. "Yeah!" agreed Vyvyan. "We'v made some toast!" RING! The telephone called for attention. "Oh lordy lordy!" snapped Rick jumping to his feet. "Who could that be phoning us up at this hour?" "Well maybe someones died!" "Oh you mean one of our relatives? Yeah that's true." Rick walked over to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil! TELEPHONE!"   
  
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Neil woke up from his drowze in the bath tub. He acknowledged Ricks call. "Wheres the light switch?" he muttered turning and stepping out of the tub... and through the window.   
  
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"PUSH THAT BUTTON!" Rick roared at Vyvyan. "I AM PUSHING IT!" snarled Vyvyan as he hammered the "on" switch with a claw hammer. "Well your doing it wrong! Your supposed to use your hands!" "What like this??????!!!!!!!!!" Vyvyan punctuated his inquiry by smacking Rick around the head. Hard. Neil appeared in the doorway clutching a flower pot over his bare essentials. He grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Hello? I dunno I'll ask." Neil turned and addressed his alledged friends. "Does anyone know a short comedian? Harry something?" "Yes." affirmed Mike. Neil turned back to the telephone. "Yes we do." he replied before slamming the receiver down. Mike turned around and looked at him. "Hey Neil your filthy! Go and have a bath!" "I'v just had one! Its amazing just how dirty you can get answering the phone..." Rick jumped to his feet. "Hey everybody listen!" he snickered. "It was probably a dirty phone call!" Vyvyan grabbed Rick by the collar and pulled him down very close to his face. "Shut up or I'll KILL you!!!" he snapped. Rick was released. "Oh touche Vyvyan!" he sneered. "What devastating reportoire! Talk about Oscar Wilde!" "Oh alright." Neil obliged. "Oscar Wilde was one of the greatest comedians of the sixteenth century who was persecuted for his homosexuality..." "Shut up Neil." growled Rick slapping the hippys face. "...because in that time the law was..." SLAP! "Shut up!" Neil was indignant. "Oh yeah be like that Rick!" "Be like what exactly doctor Neil? Be like what?!!" "Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world!" Rick knew just the cutting remark to shut the hippy up one and for all. "What you mean like your trousers?????!!!!!!!" he cried gleefully. Neil was utterly mortified. "Don't you dare say that Rick!" he cried strickenly. "Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscopes!" "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan. "How DARE he say that Neil! Smash his face in!!!" Rick laughed at the idea. "Look I'm not into violence or anything Rick" cried Neil grabbing a frying pan from the table. "but I really am going to smash your face in!" "Oh bloody hell!" exclaimed Rick retreating behind the table as Neil advanced on him. Then he noticed it. "Neil...how are you keeping that flower pot up???" Neil was overcome with embarassment. He dropped the frying pan and slunk off to his room. Mike Rick and Vyvyan watched him go. * * * "Why wont this sodding video work?" snarled Vyvyan as he finally gave up. "Hey!" cried Rick. "I'v just had a revoloutionary idea!" "What is it?" "Lets invade Russia and seize control of the states!" KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! The front door was blown off its hinges and the debris was sprayed all over the room giving it a second coat. Rick sighed in exasperation. "Oh no." he lamented. "The front doors exploded." Mike turned and glared at Vyvyan. "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan Vyvyan Vyvyan!" snapped Vyvyan. "Honestly whenever something goes wrong in this house its always blame Vyvyan!" "Well who do you suggest we blame?" retorted Mike. "Thatcher!" suggested Rick. "No." said Vyvyan. "Blame whoever rang the doorbell. Because they obviously triggered the bomb I set up." "What bomb???" "Well I thought the doorbell was getting a bit old so you know I thought I'd pep it up a bit!" "Well I call it totally irresponsible!" cried Rick. "Fancy coming and ringing the doorbell at this time of night. Then a grin appeared on Ricks face. "Hey." He snickered. "I bet that whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!" A blackened figure entered the room. He had a ginger beard and was wearing a postmans hat and uniform. "Cough cough!" he cried. "Splutter! Cor an exploding front door! Stone the crows the missus will never believe this un!" "What do you want?" asked Rick. "I have a parcel under the name of Mr J.Biloski." "Piss off posty!"! snapped Vyvyan. "Sign here." the postman held an order form out to Mike and then yanked it away. "Much obliged I'm sure. And now (Boom.) here (Boom.) is (Boom.) your (Tadaay!) package." The postman lugged in a large parcel and then left. "A package from Transalvania!" said Rick as he Vyvyan and Mike inspected the parcel. "How strange!" "Its probably a consignment of very hard drugs." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "Why does it say fragile then?" "Thats probably Transalvanian for very hard drugs!" Just as they were returning to the video Neil appeared at the foot of the stairs. He was wearing a blue checked dress. "Alright!" he said. "Everyone listen to me. Everyone in the house listen to me!" "Shut up Neil!" snapped Mike. "We'r busy with the video." "Yeah shut up Neil!" grinned Rick. "We'v got videos to talk about havent we Mike?" "Well actually I'v got something to tell you which I think you'll find really interesting." "Why are you wearing that dress Neil?" inquired Vyvyan. "Thats what I'v got to tell you about." "Well we dont want to know." retorted Mike. "Yes." agreed Rick who had gone pale. "Who wants to hear about a silly old dress?" "Well I do." Vyvyan said inspecting the dress. "Well" Neil began "I couldn't get any of my clothes because some really selfish negative vibe merchant has boarded up my bed room. So I like went into Ricks bed room and the only thing I could find there clothes-wise was this dress." "Ah..." Rick licked the sweat off his lips nervously.Then he reared up dramatically."Oh oh!" he eclaimed "So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms Neil! So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms and planting evidence of transvestisism so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it wont work! I'v never seen that dress before in my life!""Well its got your name tag on it Rick." Vyvyan pointed out."But its not mine! Its not mine!" cried Rick almost in tears. "What would I want with a dress? Here I'v got money! Take money!""I think we should tell the pigs." Remarked Neil. "Yeah!""I hate to say anything negative but no." said Mike. "If the police come round here they'll grab hold of our nasties." "Oh!""The videos!"Neils eyes widened."Oh! Have we got a video???""If anyone else asks me that question" growled Vyvyan. "I am personally going to stick their head through the window." "Vyvyan?""Yes Neil?""Have we got a video?" "Right." Vyvyan got up "Come this way Neil."They walked into the kitchen where Vyvyan tore the window out of its pane.He then proceeded to shatter it over Neils head."I still don't understand. Does that mean we'v got one or not? I'm getting really confused today..."  
  
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"Ohhhhhh! Too much! Oh can I have a go on it please?" begged Neil. A brilliant idea hit Vyvyan Rick and Mike all at the same time.They grinned fiendishly at each other."Yes. As long as you are very very careful." Said Mike. "yeah" agreed Vyvyan "Cos at the moment Neil it happens to be in complete working order!""And if you touch it and it doesn't work that means that you'v broken it and you'v got to pay." Cackled Rick."Oh anything! Oh wow!" Breathed Neil as he picked up a video and made for the machine.Vyvyan Mike and Rick stood behind him and held out there hands expectantly.Neil looked up."But it isint plugged in. Have we got an extention?""Yeah the kitchen." Mike replied."No I mean an extention cord. This doesn't reach.""Oh GOD!!" Vyvyan walked out through the front door. A moment later he reappeared outside the window.He proceeded to push the wall. With a grunt the wall began to shift and move forwards and into the house. When the wall was close enough for Neil to plug the video in Vyvyan stopped pushing.He stepped in through the window.Rick watched him in disgust as he sat down on the couch."Oh that's right Vyvyan yeah! If Mohammed wont come to the mountain smash the living room to pieces! That's very Buddhist isint it?"Vyvyan picked up a video cover used it to smack Ricks head and then dropped it again.Neil plugged in the video...and then wished that he hadnt.Bright blue bolts of electricity proceeded to flood out of the cable and into the hippies body. Neil stood quite still unable to move parylised by the electric shocks he was receiving courtsey of the frayed wire.The video buzzed into life and the face of a woman wearing a pair of devil-horns appeared on the screen.The othr students sat on the couch and began to watch the video. "perfectly excellent Neil." Mike congratulated the hippy. "Don't move a muscle!"The woman on the screen went on to talk about a special pain-killer called pain-away. She spoke about it as if it was the best thing since Cliff Richards wrote Summer Holiday.Then she vanished and the screen was still again.Neil had summoned sufficient strength to let go of the cable. He stood there panting. His normally long and dangly hair was now standing up on end.Mike flung down the remote."Neil!" he roared."I was watching that you selfish bastard!" snarled Vyvyan."Honestly Neil I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!" cried Rick."Look..." cried Neil pointing at the area behind them.They all turned.They stared at what they saw.The package they had received earlier had been torn open.Standing in its place still partially covered in wrapping paper was a tall pale skinned man.He was wearing a black opera cape and two of his front teeth were especially long and pointed.The man smiled eerily at the four students."Greetings from Transalvani." He said politely.He spoke with a solid accent.It took a few moments for Neil Vyvyan Mike and Rick to regain their composure and to figure out a plan of how to deal with this new hazard.All four of them came up with exactly the same plan. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "It's a vampire!" cried Mike leaping off the couch."In the parcel!" exclaimed Vyvyan folllowing suit."In the kitchen!" screamed Rick following their example."Hate mail..." murmured Neil who was already standing."Whadda we do?!!""Only pop music can save us now!" cried Rick.  
  
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After failing to come up with a plan they had fled up the stairs and hidden behind the bathroom door.The vampire had fallen for it and they now had him trapped in the bathroom."Take it easy!" snarled Vyvyan through the door. "I'v got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!""Yeah watch it vamp!" said Neil who held a tube of Jiff in his hand. "You'r messing with the big boys now!"Mike walked up onto the landing."Alright I'v contacted the Dogs eat cats home." He told them. "They wouldn't take him.""Hey!" grinned Rick. "You should have tried the Dogs eat BATS home!""Don't be so flippant Rick!" snapped Mike."Cos you see with him being a vampire...""Don't be so flippant!""Well it's a word play joke and...""Don't be flippant!""ALRIGHT!! Alright forget it!"There was a pause as they all pondered the situation. "Neil..." Rick began after a while had passed. "What does 'messing with the big boys' entail?""This." The hippy squeezed the tub.A long white worm sprung from it.It spattered over Ricks shirt and then slithered to the ground unimpressively.An even longer silence."I know!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "Why don't we BITE him to death?!!"But the vampire was listening from inside the bathroom."No you cant bite me!" he called out. "I'm Transalvanian!""Hey I'v got it!" Neil came up trumps. "Why don't we lock him in the toilet?" The other three stared speechlessly at him.None of them had expected their salvation from this crisis to have come from the one they had scorned and looked at with disfavour for all these years.Mike realised that he would think differently of Neil from now on.Then the one fatal flaw in the hippies logic occurred to him."Neil we HAVE locked him in the toilet!" "Oh...well it was a good idea wasn't it?"Something occurred to Rick. "Erm...Mike?" he asked nervously. "What happens when one of us wants to...spend a penny? I mean...He'll be able to see us wont he???"The vampire called out again."This has all been a terrible mistake!" he cried. "I am not a vampire! I am a driving instructor from Johanasburg!""A driving instructor from Johanasburg? Prove it!" challenged Vyvyan."How?""Ok...What should you NEVER do in a box-junction?""In a box-junction you should never neglect to check your rear view mirror.""Ah...true. Ok what should you do when approaching a hump-backed bridge?""When approaching a hump-backed bridge you should stop and look out of the back window. Then if nobodies looking you should grab the virgin and rip out her...""AH-HA!!!" sneered Vyvyan. "Gotcha! Driving instructor my ass! You're a vampire and theres NO denying it!""I'v got it!" said Mike clicking his fingers. "We'v gotta drive a stake through his heart!""Brilliant!" said Vyvyan. "I'll get my car!"He ran downstairs."I'll get a stake." said Neil.They all ran downstairs.Once there Neil opened the fridge-door and looked into it."Oh no. We havent got a stake! All we'v got is this vegetarian sausage!" he cried in dismay.There was a crumbling sound and bricks and plaster flew everywhere as the living room wall caved in as Vyvyan drove his Ford into the room."Ok I'v got the car. Wheres the stake?"There was a scream from upstairs and Rick raced into the room.His face was as white as a sheet."The vampires escaped from the little persons room!" he screamed."I don't see what all the fuss is about." Remarked Vyvyan. "Vampires only attack virgins."There was a dead silence.So heavy a silence that you could have cut it with a bread knife.Mike licked the sweat off his lips."Well." He said forcing himself to muster a wane smile. "I'm not worried for myself. Its Rick and Neil I'm concerned for actually.""WHAT!" laughed Rick nervously. "Rick a virgin?! HA! Just ask the foxy chicks who owe me favours..." "Well if Ricks not a virgin then I'm not either!" announced Neil. Vyvyan smirked."Well we'r gonna find out soon arent we? Cos the vampires gonna know and if anyones attacked then we'll know that they'r a sissy virgin."A thought occurred to him.The idea made him pause. "God..." he muttered to himself. "I hope snogging with my hamster counts...""He's gonna get us!" wailed Neil. "He's turn us all into vampires! And we'll be dead and yet still alive like Lenin Cowen!" Rick made one last-ditch attempt to save himself."Mr vampire!" he cried up the stairs. "Don't bite me! I'm horrid! I'm covered in acne! Bite Neil he's strawberry flavoured!""We have only one chance." Said Mike. "We all gotta lose our virginity!" "But HOW Mike? OH NO! BAGS NOT RICK!!!!""BAGS NOT Vyvyan!!!!!!""BAGS NOT...Neil?" the hippy floundered.The vampire appeared at the bottom of the stairs.Everyone cowered behind the couch. "Alright." Said the vampire. "Who's first? My god! What a choice!""Right! out the window everyone!" screamed Mike.Vyvyan ripped the curtains away from the window.Daylight flooded into the room.The vampire gave a howl of agony as the holy rays played over him."Oh no! I forgot about the difference between here and Transalvania!"He fell backwards and into something else that had fallen out of the parcel. It was a coffin.Mike Vyvyan and Rick ran over to the coffin slammed the lid down and nailed it shut.   
  
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"so you see we have in fact stayed up for the entire night." Said Rick. "Now that's what I call ANARCHY!"He lit up a fag.The last one in the packet.How very appropriate."And we never did get to watch the video." Remarked Vyvyan as he shifted his weight on the coffin.Mike gave a gasp of shock."Oh no the video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past five we'll owe him twenty five quid!" "Oh. Have you got a video?" asked one of the grave diggers. "YES!!! WE'V-GOT-A-VIDEO!!!!!" roared Vyvyan."What time is it?"The vicar looked at his watch."Half past five."Suddenly they were all flung to the ground as the coffin lid swung open and the vampire leapt out."AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"But the vampire instead of attacking them took of his teeth and mask.The face of one of the Biloski clan members was revealed."HARRY THE BASTARD!!!!" everyone exclaimed. "The very same." Sneered Harry. "And you lot owe me twenty five quid."There was apause."Well!" everyone said. "What a complete bastard!" 


End file.
